Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hooch, Ultra Death Sauce and Good Times

Ahhhhh Alcohol one of the many reasons I live for the weekend and most likely the reason I will die or the reason my liver is perfectly preserved. A gathering of friends happened and a party of celebrations took place, why? Shit why not it's a rare chance you can get 25+ friends altogether for one awesome night of drinking and catching up.

But unlike most normal people my friends are quite the bunch, the night started of relatively quiet as people slowly started turning up saying hello to the people they haven't seen in month's or in my case years.

After everyone was settled in the drinking commenced, now unfortunately being unemployed leaves me with very little options for buying booze and getting my drink on how ever thanks to the 3 sisters I have a long time ago they introduced me to the wondrous world of wine, a.k.a Hooch.

Now the average price for a bottle of wine in Australia is around $20-25 pending on who makes it how ever there is this nice little tucked away secret in the fridges of 1st Choice stores around Australia that is now known as the $6 selections now at first glance most people think "Oh looky here cheap nasty shit." But this is not the case at all I can't for the life of me tell the difference from a $6 Moscato to a $20 one only difference is the brand name. So after seeing this little gem I walk out of my local 1st Choice store with 3 bottles of Banrock Station Moscato and later on got a Bottle of Brown Brothers Dolcetto & Syrah cause bitches like to see class in a man.

So the drinking commences 2 bottles of hooch down it was time to drink something else as hooch can leave one quite dehydrated. Out of nowhere this bright light came and once dispersed there was a godly sight in front of me.

REDSKIN VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now there seriously needs to be a big fucking caution sign on this homemade monstrosity saying the following.

CAUTION: Consumption of this product may have some side effects;
Ability to sway in place without falling down
Need to sing Billy Joel and Jimmy Barnes songs

Now a few of us had a swig from the bottle and thats when the idea hits me. What can I do to make this beast of a drink even more awesome.... ADD LEMON SOFTDRINK!

So now we started to mix this together and by god good sirs it was perfect.

A couple fo hours past and a friend has brought out a bottle of sauce which in all honesty I think is an abomoination to all things hot. Ultra Death Sauce  MORE INFO, Now for those who cbf clicking the link this cause isn't just hot, it burns it makes grown men cry and when it is ingested it causes gonorrhea of the anus. To measure it's heat imagine the heat you get from a normal jalapeƱo, right now times that by 1 million and you have Ultra Death Sauce. A few of us stood up to the plate and had a bit of this sauce and we were sorta fine the burn is just really intense and just sits there for ages.

Thats when the fun and games begin. What if we got a glass put a dash of Ultra Death in it with vodka, sambucca, red cordial and a dash of orange juice then got someone to drink it. Well we did and it claimed 3 victims. Why? Because we lied about what was in it and we needed some entertainment.

Now midnight rocks around and I am completely shitfaced I don't know where I am what's going on but the singing commences and as far as I am concerned we sounded like a perfectly tuned Tom Jones without the faggotry. In reality we probably sounded like Lilly Allen live after drinking a bottle of scotch and attempting to snort Elton John under the table which sounds something like this Lilly Allen for reals.

After the song and dance everyone started to go home as real life issues dont go way for ever so the people left and it was time for sleep. The next morning death had come knocking I felt like shit, I got approx 5 hours sleep and was still drunk couldn't walk in a straight line to save me and was scared of going to the toilet by my self due to the possibility of falling in and drowning. What could I do to save me easy drink my own body weight in water, pop some Panadol and grab something greasy to mung down on.

Pro Tip: If you are feeling like absolute shit do not eat unless you are sure your stomach can handle the pain afterwards or don't eat Red Rooster your call.

After food and a 45 min drive home it was time for a long overdue shower a big glass of water and bed with a touch of air-con set to Ice Age. all and all a good evening and hope to do it again I say I wont drink this time but pfffft we all know no one says that and actually does it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Outback Jacks 1kg Steak Challenge

Well earlier this week I was convinced to partake in Outback jack's 1kg Challenge .

For those who can't be fucked clicking a link. 30 mins to eat a 1kg steak 500g of Wedges and 500g of steamed veggies.

Now you know how you have that friend who comes up with awesome ideas and says you should do this it will be easy for you or they tell you it's a great idea. We all have one of those friends including myself and like all good friends do we listen to each other. In my case though he just said you should do this and I went with it.

Now the best part about out back jacks is they have a little area where you can look at your steak and eye it up before it gets cooked. I failed to do this as I saw a sign for free t-shirt if you complete the challenge so I didn't need to eye up my opponent. I wish I did.

Now last I checked when you cook a steak it shrinks a bit turns brown tastes good etc. I swear to the flying spaghetti monster above, the steak grew in size was brown and tasted good but it had me slightly questioning why I agreed to do something so stupid in the first place.

Now the plates come out there is a lot of food on it on the evil lady who was watching our challenge said to eat the wedges first it's full of carbs so they will make you feel fuller so best to get them out of the way etc. She said this like it was some friendly advice then stated 2 things after that.

1.) A 60 year old man has done this challenge, how ever I think she was spose to add then died after to the sentence but we all nodded and was all slightly in shock and awe.

2.) a 60kg little Asian lady had done the challenge a week earlier in 8 minutes.... seriously what the fuck. I'm pretty sure she was either in complete control of that gag reflex or she was stashing the meat in a particular orrifice.

After all that 2 whacks of a cowbell and we were off. it was about 5 minutes into the challenge after I had eaten all my wedges that I realised someone did a very very bad thing. THE BITCH LIED. after eating all the wedges if was feeling a little bit like shit and was starting to question if she was lying to me to make me fail.

Soon after I had managed to finish my lovely steamed vegetables and was on to THE STEAK.

Weighing in at 1kg medium rare was the final leg of this race I had 13 minutes left to finish this beast off. As I started to consume this succulent piece of cow flesh I realised as time went on I was chewing a lot more to try and swallow the damn meat the final 3 minutes had come and there was about 150g's of flesh left and I realised I had to concede for a few reasons.

1.) I had the meat sweats, and anyone who has tried to eat so much meat knows this means a few things are going on internally such as;

2.) Chest pains, wether it was my Heart trying to shoot itself in the face, heart burn or intergestion I don't know but you feel death has come creeping.

3.) Was feeling a wee bit sick I had just consumed 1 kilo of friggin vegetables and nearly 1kg of meat last I checked humans are not supposed to eat that much.

4.) Itis. Yep the dreaded Itis it's where you eat too much then start feelign sleepy and slow which meant I wanted to curl up and have a nap.

I had concede and knew that it was due to an early sabotage that this challenge would not be completed but now I know one thing.

I'm going back to get that damn free T-Shirt and completing that challenge.