Tuesday, February 15, 2011

7 Generations of gaming

So it's been a while since I have found anything decent to write up about until today when clicking links had found me on wikipedia, looking at the wonderful accessories that Nintendo had made for the SNES/Super Fanicom systems that the Australian public never got to see.

Now as far to my knowledge I have played on a system from 6 out of 7 generations of gaming, as the first generation was made 10 years before I was born how ever I can play a mean game of pong.

Now down here in the land down under we don't get much love when it comes to the mighty videogame overlords giving us new toys for example the Multitap. This little device was made 2 different ways.

If you owned a sega console back in the 90's you may have seen Micro Machines if you haven't go play it right now I will even provide links for you to do so. Now the Sega Mega Drive had 2 controller ports as standard like all 4th gen systems how ever the developers for micro machines said "Lets make this game 4 player and build 2 extra controller slots into the cartridge itself and watch children have fun."

This was a fucking awesome idea I mean when I rage quit cause I can't see wtf I am doing on my small arse screen T.V. I can throw my controller thats plugged into the cartridge across the room and watch the entire system go with it. Then EA games came along and said "What if we just plugged a 4 port controller dongle into the 2 already existing ports?" then 600+ EA sports games came out that were terrible and the concept died.

Then Nintendo made a 4 player Bomberman game and released there own version how ever only japan saw that 4 player madness.

After clicking all these links in wiki and looking at what other fun accessories we didn't get I found some rather interesting ones and Shall list my Top 10 favourites.

10: NES Zapper -  Yes the cutesy orange zapper that looked all futuristic except we got jipped on that too if you live in japan you didn't get some shoddy piece of orange plastic no, no, no, You got instead Clint Eastwood'd giant arse 44' revolver as that was more family friendly in japan. Go duck hunting and once you're done go rob your local 7/11

9: R.O.B - Yes that fucking robot that was completely useless and was slow as shit, how ever he's really OP at Smash Brothers Brawl. Now this little guy was spose to substitute a 2nd player if your child had issues making friends, except rob is a shitty friend. The only thing he is useful for now is the 2 AA batteries in him for those moment when your vibrator dies or you need juice for the remote.

8: The Sega Mega Drive - This thing is basically an expensive fucking Voltron toy I shit you not except it rocks 3 parts not 5. This system was my favourite growing up and it also lead the way for the 32bit consoles except it was shit at actually playing 32bit games.

7: Menacer -  The Light Gun for the Mega Drive this thing was sweet it took me months of pocket money to get the batteries alone to run this beast as it chewed through the 6 AAA batteries it needed to power it, best of all I learnt how to shoot left handed as I broke the right hand scope mount. I mean just look at it. If the AUG and the AK47 had an incestuous night of love this is what we would get.

6: The Super Scope - The light gun for the Super Nintendo was by far the best light gun you will ever own/have/develop. This is what the Taliban train there rebels with it's sleek sexy and by god the games were fun, if I could ever own anything again in the world it would be this with a copy of Battle Clash and Metal Combat so I could waste another Christmas holiday period yelling at myself for being a shit shot.

5: The Sega Saturn floppy drive -  I have no fucking idea why Sega made that I really don't 50% of the 5th gen consoles were CD based, Saturn being one of them. How ever some dick decided lets make a floppy drive charge $100 for it make some profit and it fucking worked. Now I can;t find any fucking information on this product and what it was meant for at all as far as I know it was useless and just made sure your friends knew you meant business or your silver spoon that mummy and daddy fed you has now been digested and has been throughly lodged in your anus.

4: The Wavebird Gamecube controller - I hate everything that is wireless when it comes to gaming except I have one exception to this rule and it's controller as long as they are done well. This is the best ever example I can provide as it worked and it worked well especially when trying to figure out if you can: A) play a game from your driveway. B) Beat friend at said game. C) You end up succeeding in both. Theres not really much I can say about this controller except that I stole mine from a local pawn shop when they fired me because it was that awesome.

3: Satellaview - For when you need to turn your SNES into a god damn warship japan came out with this. Now the reason this is number 3 is nto because I have personally used it. It's because of what it did essetialy it led the way for online play and episodic content. Anyone who has played on of the legend of zelda games will know they are fun time consuming and in some part challenging. This device brought you more zelda goodness weekly via satelite T.V. and multiplayer competition. The games were played in real tiem and you had to earn points and you won prizes in real life and in game. Sadly once again japan only got this fun and everyone else missed out.

2: Super Gameboy - I hated that yellow piece of shit screen on the Gameboy it was fucking terrible that was until Nintendo split the heavens and graced us with another lovely product; the Super Gameboy. This allowed you to play your gameboy games on your SNES while having a big screen to look at and not strain your eyes it was genius nuff said.



This is why I love gaming Guitar Hero started the plastic fisher price instrument revolution and Nintendo said fuck your guitars good sir's we have fucking bongo's. Donkey Konga was not only fun but hard it was like masturbation, You want to keep going but your arms get tired and you eventually give up except Nintendo added music and the Poke'mon theme song.

Next week I shall list the absolute horrors that failed us.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wall of water crits QLD for $dick

So the floods of 2011 are here and well seems natural disasters don't fuck around. This being the first one I have been in I can't help but think if water restrictions were lifted off our area's could this of been avoided or at least mitigated a bit more.

The effect of the flood on myself is pretty much non existent how ever my local kebab shop and Mcdonalds went under which was a tragedy cause lets all face fact who the fuck wants to eat Red Rooster ( For the Americans who may not know red Rooster is like KFC except they do this mysterious thing where they roast the chicken not deep fry)

Now where I live I am pretty much in a safe zone if a flood happens how ever several nearby suburbs less than 100-200 meters away from me got owned

 Picture above is the Ipswich Motorway which is about 200 meters away from my house the water around there would easily be 10 meters+ deep
.Local park just around the corner there is a road under that water somewhere along with a house to the right.

Now I seen pictures my grandparents took of the 1974 floods and in comparison 2011 is quite tame to what it could of been

Another shot of the Ipswich Motorway imo if peopel didn't live there I would think water views liks this would be quite awesome.
And the local caravan park, add some outboard motors and a few plastic drums and these poor people would of had full laughing rites at everyone else.

These are just some snippets of my area and the flood waters are slowly receding now but damn the damage are going to be easily in the millions. How ever the only delightful irony in all of this is a lot of the debris has been reported on our local MP's office roof rightfully where trash and shit belongs.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hooch, Ultra Death Sauce and Good Times

Ahhhhh Alcohol one of the many reasons I live for the weekend and most likely the reason I will die or the reason my liver is perfectly preserved. A gathering of friends happened and a party of celebrations took place, why? Shit why not it's a rare chance you can get 25+ friends altogether for one awesome night of drinking and catching up.

But unlike most normal people my friends are quite the bunch, the night started of relatively quiet as people slowly started turning up saying hello to the people they haven't seen in month's or in my case years.

After everyone was settled in the drinking commenced, now unfortunately being unemployed leaves me with very little options for buying booze and getting my drink on how ever thanks to the 3 sisters I have a long time ago they introduced me to the wondrous world of wine, a.k.a Hooch.

Now the average price for a bottle of wine in Australia is around $20-25 pending on who makes it how ever there is this nice little tucked away secret in the fridges of 1st Choice stores around Australia that is now known as the $6 selections now at first glance most people think "Oh looky here cheap nasty shit." But this is not the case at all I can't for the life of me tell the difference from a $6 Moscato to a $20 one only difference is the brand name. So after seeing this little gem I walk out of my local 1st Choice store with 3 bottles of Banrock Station Moscato and later on got a Bottle of Brown Brothers Dolcetto & Syrah cause bitches like to see class in a man.

So the drinking commences 2 bottles of hooch down it was time to drink something else as hooch can leave one quite dehydrated. Out of nowhere this bright light came and once dispersed there was a godly sight in front of me.

REDSKIN VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now there seriously needs to be a big fucking caution sign on this homemade monstrosity saying the following.

CAUTION: Consumption of this product may have some side effects;
Ability to sway in place without falling down
Need to sing Billy Joel and Jimmy Barnes songs

Now a few of us had a swig from the bottle and thats when the idea hits me. What can I do to make this beast of a drink even more awesome.... ADD LEMON SOFTDRINK!

So now we started to mix this together and by god good sirs it was perfect.

A couple fo hours past and a friend has brought out a bottle of sauce which in all honesty I think is an abomoination to all things hot. Ultra Death Sauce  MORE INFO, Now for those who cbf clicking the link this cause isn't just hot, it burns it makes grown men cry and when it is ingested it causes gonorrhea of the anus. To measure it's heat imagine the heat you get from a normal jalapeƱo, right now times that by 1 million and you have Ultra Death Sauce. A few of us stood up to the plate and had a bit of this sauce and we were sorta fine the burn is just really intense and just sits there for ages.

Thats when the fun and games begin. What if we got a glass put a dash of Ultra Death in it with vodka, sambucca, red cordial and a dash of orange juice then got someone to drink it. Well we did and it claimed 3 victims. Why? Because we lied about what was in it and we needed some entertainment.

Now midnight rocks around and I am completely shitfaced I don't know where I am what's going on but the singing commences and as far as I am concerned we sounded like a perfectly tuned Tom Jones without the faggotry. In reality we probably sounded like Lilly Allen live after drinking a bottle of scotch and attempting to snort Elton John under the table which sounds something like this Lilly Allen for reals.

After the song and dance everyone started to go home as real life issues dont go way for ever so the people left and it was time for sleep. The next morning death had come knocking I felt like shit, I got approx 5 hours sleep and was still drunk couldn't walk in a straight line to save me and was scared of going to the toilet by my self due to the possibility of falling in and drowning. What could I do to save me easy drink my own body weight in water, pop some Panadol and grab something greasy to mung down on.

Pro Tip: If you are feeling like absolute shit do not eat unless you are sure your stomach can handle the pain afterwards or don't eat Red Rooster your call.

After food and a 45 min drive home it was time for a long overdue shower a big glass of water and bed with a touch of air-con set to Ice Age. all and all a good evening and hope to do it again I say I wont drink this time but pfffft we all know no one says that and actually does it.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Outback Jacks 1kg Steak Challenge

Well earlier this week I was convinced to partake in Outback jack's 1kg Challenge http://www.outbackjacks.com.au/ .

For those who can't be fucked clicking a link. 30 mins to eat a 1kg steak 500g of Wedges and 500g of steamed veggies.

Now you know how you have that friend who comes up with awesome ideas and says you should do this it will be easy for you or they tell you it's a great idea. We all have one of those friends including myself and like all good friends do we listen to each other. In my case though he just said you should do this and I went with it.

Now the best part about out back jacks is they have a little area where you can look at your steak and eye it up before it gets cooked. I failed to do this as I saw a sign for free t-shirt if you complete the challenge so I didn't need to eye up my opponent. I wish I did.

Now last I checked when you cook a steak it shrinks a bit turns brown tastes good etc. I swear to the flying spaghetti monster above, the steak grew in size was brown and tasted good but it had me slightly questioning why I agreed to do something so stupid in the first place.

Now the plates come out there is a lot of food on it on the evil lady who was watching our challenge said to eat the wedges first it's full of carbs so they will make you feel fuller so best to get them out of the way etc. She said this like it was some friendly advice then stated 2 things after that.

1.) A 60 year old man has done this challenge, how ever I think she was spose to add then died after to the sentence but we all nodded and was all slightly in shock and awe.

2.) a 60kg little Asian lady had done the challenge a week earlier in 8 minutes.... seriously what the fuck. I'm pretty sure she was either in complete control of that gag reflex or she was stashing the meat in a particular orrifice.

After all that 2 whacks of a cowbell and we were off. it was about 5 minutes into the challenge after I had eaten all my wedges that I realised someone did a very very bad thing. THE BITCH LIED. after eating all the wedges if was feeling a little bit like shit and was starting to question if she was lying to me to make me fail.

Soon after I had managed to finish my lovely steamed vegetables and was on to THE STEAK.

Weighing in at 1kg medium rare was the final leg of this race I had 13 minutes left to finish this beast off. As I started to consume this succulent piece of cow flesh I realised as time went on I was chewing a lot more to try and swallow the damn meat the final 3 minutes had come and there was about 150g's of flesh left and I realised I had to concede for a few reasons.

1.) I had the meat sweats, and anyone who has tried to eat so much meat knows this means a few things are going on internally such as;

2.) Chest pains, wether it was my Heart trying to shoot itself in the face, heart burn or intergestion I don't know but you feel death has come creeping.

3.) Was feeling a wee bit sick I had just consumed 1 kilo of friggin vegetables and nearly 1kg of meat last I checked humans are not supposed to eat that much.

4.) Itis. Yep the dreaded Itis it's where you eat too much then start feelign sleepy and slow which meant I wanted to curl up and have a nap.

I had concede and knew that it was due to an early sabotage that this challenge would not be completed but now I know one thing.

I'm going back to get that damn free T-Shirt and completing that challenge.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Good lord it's time for a random rant.

Another day another rant, except this one is about a fun tasty topic; Video games. Yes the one thing that keeps me and a majority of the world sane.

There's just a weeeeeeee little problem, Beating a Dead Horse.

Video game developers seem to have no clue on how to create new fun games for us to enjoy, for example let's look at Nintendo and a few of there series like Poke'mon and Mario.

Pokemon Started back in 1996 with 151 fun little creatures that knock the shit out of each other for sport, nearly 15 years later they are still beating the dead horse and are now running out of ideas for new creatures. It seems one of their developers decided to take every day animals along with the poke'mon they have already made throw them into the spore editor add some dongs and *BAM* we know have a pikachu with dongs for ears and we splashed it with blu paint.

Every series comes to an eventual end and pokemon has gone way past it's due date.

Now the Mario series I would bitch and whine about it but I find it would be more appropriate to bag out on the Legend of Zelda series instead but then I realised it's really the same series just they changed the weapons it seriously is it's all the same down to the 1 game in each series where it wasn't Gannon as the main antagonist(for those who dont have a clue Super Mario Brothers 2 and Link's Awakening).

For people who haven't played either series (die in a small fire) here's the general concept; Mario/Link find out Peach/Zelda got kidnapped by Bowser/Gannon and they have to go save them. except each time the world has changed along with weapons and ability concepts. There is no originality in these games anymore and it's slowly dying out.

Now a company that has a clue or it may just be a case of laziness or cbf syndrome is Valve.

Yes Valve, the wonderful people who brought us our favorite mute hero in the FPS genre every series they have made seems to finish at the number 2. Half-life 1/2, Half-Life 2 episode 1/2 the list goes on and it seems to be wokring for them.

Video game parent companies need to know when to stop and or give up. Theres not plot twist in story lines anymore the games are way to predictable and it's just annoying. I'm not saying I can do a better job but I'm pretty sure I could use 2 million dollars of nintendo/sega/ea/activisions money to make a concept/story/game that would shit on anything they have previously made.

But hey I can't really complain I spend my spare time speed running metroid/castlvevania games which are doing the exact same thing but at least they have added storyline and plot points into their series which is why I support them.

For those of you who cbf reading this rant tl;dr - Developers need to stop beating a dead horse and make something new/beat on a dead cow instead.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Gambling, Strippers and Tasty wins these are a few of my favourite things.

So it's a Tuesday night and somehow I managed to get myself dragged into Brisbane city for a spot of Gambling and drinking. Last time I ever set foot in a casino I manged to get myself kicked out for using the word bomb and bag in the same sentence, and maybe having a beard might of led to some profiling against me.

So I walk into the Treasury Casino and the first thing I noticed was the singing chorus of the Pokie Machines along the outsides of the main foyer and Tables as far as the eye can see. 3 of us have just arrived an waitign for 2 more so we grab some beers and check out the tables to see what the actions like.

Now not to sound like a wanker but seriously people what the fuck I watched 3 elderly men place $100 chips on every single damn square in roulette. If I had $3600 to blow I can think about plenty more things I could spend it on like coke and hookers.

After watching the action and thinking my addictive personality and gambling are the worst idea in history the last 2 members of out party arrive, before we head down to the buffet to get eats we head off to the pokies to try our luck. Now I shit you not ladies and gents we had only been on the machines for 30 seconds and on of the lads has already hit gold he turned $2 into $145 in 1 spin. My only reaction was to siomply stay calm and keep pressing the shiny button on my machine which eventually ates the $20 I put into it. Pro Tip: DO NOT trust any machine that is Egyptian orientated.

So after a while we grab some eats and head over to the video blackjack tables, simple game throw in $5 bet it all see what happens. I can tell you now the whore of the video blackjack lady took 3 of us for all we had put into her. Pro Tip: If you are up pull out there and then going from $20 to $55 then to $0 hurts.

So after black jack we tried out hand at keno which supposedly has fun odds etc. Complete fucking lie. Back to the pokies.

Round 2 commenced with our shiny noise making friends and we seem to have done a lot better well except for me the blackjack and keno whores took my money. Now recently 50 line machines have come into play and theres 2 kinds of them; The Kind that pay out really well have have an awesome feature and the kind that have a horrible horrible feature and will take your house car wife and your Mexican house boy. We found the latter.

Now 2 friends took my advice and went on the machines I suggested cause I had a "feeling" from them. 1 Paid out 1 Didn't, my advice if the machine only gives out 5 free games as a feature leave it alone and find a Spring Carnival machine and w.winbig.

So 1:30 am rocks up and we need something to do as we are over the money grabbing machines and employees of the casino. So it's 1:30am on a Wednesday what else do you do? Strip Club, 10 minutes later we found ourselves at a lovely little venue called The Cabaret Club now I had in my mind the vision of sexy dancing ladies with feathers etc kind burlesque style. Boy I was wrong, we walk in and of course we had forgotten Metallica was playing hours before hand and every wanker who thought he was hot shit was in there.

Now 3 things I noticed while sitting around drinking in this place.

1.) Everyone who wore a Metallica shirt seriously had no idea on the rules of this place they did a no no that the stripper said no to and she walked away with their money I saw this happen at least 7 times.

2.) I felt like a minority not to sound racist but the white people to others ratio was out the window surprisingly enough a goo majority of people in there were of middle eastern appearance ( Indian, Pakistani, Iranian you know the places where sand was invented)

3.) The strippers had fuck all room the spin around on their poles. I'm approx 6ft and thats about as much room as their was form the floor of the stage to the roof, but these ladies were so used to it they used their wondrous abilities to defy physics to bring us sexy entertainment.

Now after about 15 minutes of watching these ladies dance, strip and pretend they cared about us the realization of the female counterpart knowing I was in such a place chilled me to the bone, 1 minute later a friend had bought me 5 minutes with one of these ladies and I felt warm and fuzzy inside know I have felt breasts from many corners of Queensland. Gentlemen these were the softest most smoothest pair of breasts I have ever felt on my face and hands and I loved it. As much as I would of loved to have taken those puppies home with me I knew I would of been shot on sight.

But shortly after the night ended the strippers had homes to go to and the cab drivers needed to do some work so we all headed on home. Now during the night I sampled quite a few drinks and I must say if you happen to be in the Treasury Casino in Brisbane, Try the Strawberry Daiquiri's they are potent, tasty and full of win and awesome for better results and effects drink rum before hand to get you buzz going the daiquiri adds a fizzy sensation to one's body and it's all smiles from there.

Not bad for a Tuesday night out next time I have a substantial bank roll I shall find out what goes on in those ever so private rooms in the Cabaret.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Bill O'reilly is a biggot

Ahhh daytime T.V. you always seem to entertain me with your early morning antic and shenanigans, how ever this morning there was a nice video clip from a talk show in the U.S. called The View.


Fast Forward to around 1:50 mark to get the gist of what I am ranting about.

Now I'm all for free speech and what not but Bill O'reilly seems to have overstepped this time. Why? well as we know several years ago a tragedy happened in the U.S. the September 11 Attacks. From what we have been fed it seems extremists flew some planes into the world trade center buildings killing thousands.

Now the part in that video clip that pisses me off is he specifically stated that "Muslims" were responsible for 9/11, now this part may have a certain truth to it how ever they were extremists, people who read too much into what they believe. It's in my view a fair call to say extremists were the ones who caused the attacks not muslims in general.

Now the reason for the spark on the set of the view from what I can understand is the proposed plans to build a mosque on the site of the 9/11 attacks. Now I have no issues with religon myself but I can see why this is a bit of a stupid idea.

A majority of the U.S. still has not recovered form what has happend and plamting a mosque in the middle of ground zero will upset people who have the view of Bill O'reilly thinking muslims are responsible for 9/11. These people are complete idiots but have a valid point putting a mosque there is like planting a flag on territory that has been taken over.

How ever I have no idea of the layout of New York city, but I'm pretty sure you could build it somewhere else to keep both parties happy. When the argument first started about the building of the mosque there were plenty of people voicing their opinions on the idea. I remember one American citizen who clearly stated he was a Muslim and said this idea was bad because of the feelings of the general public.

But people will be sheep and believe what the media tells them. Stop the shit get a clue and listen reason Bill you sir are a dick and quite frankly if someone shot you in the face they are going to hand the gunman a medal a key to the city and hand him a presidential pardon.

But enough from me this weekend I shall be reviewing some tasty beverages and giving the world my 2 cents on them, and remember Muslims did not cause 9/11. Muslim Extremists who are idiots did.